I couldn't sleep again....probably still disturb by the nightmare I had a day earlier...I dreamt of a cousin of mine, withering away from soberness. . . she finally falls off the scale and explode. Killing every love ones of hers before following them to paradise. She stabbed herself with a fork on her left neck, the same way she ended her last victim. It was a chaos but in chaos somehow emerged a sense of relieve. I walked near to my dear motionless cousin and realise that the face was somewhat similar to that of mine.
It is me....It is....a part of me...the part of me that went hay wired and off to a killing spree before forking herself to death. Even though understanding that its just yet another nightmare during dreaming, I woke up not feeling scare or shock. Its more like worry. In fact, its a mirror to what I am doing for the past few days....I had put aside the rational sober me and give ways to the devil who took the vessal for a spin. Very much a part of me, the sober me has been sitting at a tiny dark corner, viewing wat the evil me is toturing and destroying myself.
The complication was so annoying, that even you read it twice...you probably still wouldn't get what the fuck I am writting. Doesn't matter..... Its for my own view afterall.
I don't know when will I rise again...soberly...but now I am still deluding into self pitiness. The anguish of pain have had envelope me, leaving me to tears almost every night. It's not even at all comforting to know that myself. Knowingly that I am in fact at a blink of breaking down.
I just wish that i am normal...you know...its either you are in sorrow and start crying the shitt out of yourself, extracting yourself from the reality and hide into a hole of darkness with coldness as your companion and four walls as listening ears or still stay positive and strong, fighting the emotion and start taking charge of your life by providing the best choice when perfect solution is out of your reach.
But no....I am either ....I am just happen to be able to retain a part of soberness in the world of devastation. I see the part of emotional me taunting at my own spirit yet I refused to lend a helping hand to fight against another me.
Its torturing....
