I couldn't sleep again....probably still disturb by the nightmare I had a day earlier...I dreamt of a cousin of mine, withering away from soberness. . . she finally falls off the scale and explode. Killing every love ones of hers before following them to paradise. She stabbed herself with a fork on her left neck, the same way she ended her last victim. It was a chaos but in chaos somehow emerged a sense of relieve. I walked near to my dear motionless cousin and realise that the face was somewhat similar to that of mine.
It is me....It is....a part of me...the part of me that went hay wired and off to a killing spree before forking herself to death. Even though understanding that its just yet another nightmare during dreaming, I woke up not feeling scare or shock. Its more like worry. In fact, its a mirror to what I am doing for the past few days....I had put aside the rational sober me and give ways to the devil who took the vessal for a spin. Very much a part of me, the sober me has been sitting at a tiny dark corner, viewing wat the evil me is toturing and destroying myself.
The complication was so annoying, that even you read it twice...you probably still wouldn't get what the fuck I am writting. Doesn't matter..... Its for my own view afterall.
I don't know when will I rise again...soberly...but now I am still deluding into self pitiness. The anguish of pain have had envelope me, leaving me to tears almost every night. It's not even at all comforting to know that myself. Knowingly that I am in fact at a blink of breaking down.
I just wish that i am normal...you know...its either you are in sorrow and start crying the shitt out of yourself, extracting yourself from the reality and hide into a hole of darkness with coldness as your companion and four walls as listening ears or still stay positive and strong, fighting the emotion and start taking charge of your life by providing the best choice when perfect solution is out of your reach.
But no....I am either ....I am just happen to be able to retain a part of soberness in the world of devastation. I see the part of emotional me taunting at my own spirit yet I refused to lend a helping hand to fight against another me.
Its torturing....
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
DO YOU DREAM LIKE HER?
YouTube - Susan Boyle - Singer - Britains Got Talent 2009 (With Lyrics)Susan Boyle singing 'Cry Me A River here -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZoraCG3b6s47 Year old Susan Boyle wows the judges with her performance in the auditions for Britains Got Talent, singing I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables.Here are the Lyrics(Thanks to NewHotdox) -I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high, An...
Some of you may not know this angel. Before you click this clip, wat I can say is there will be a 90% of guilt and regret after the 1st 2mins of this clip. I too....watch it with doubt and sacartism for the 1st 2mins. As a seconds passed, I knew that very moment I was freaking wrong and immediately guilt came rushing into my mind and embrassed by the judgement I gave merely because of her looks. She, Susan Boyle @ 47, still fighting for her dream, still stand firm on her belief, still staying optismistic and possitive. Her 2mins vocal has not only shock the whole world, but also bring hope to every inferior complex individual. She gave us hope and send us a message that everyone is born unique and talent regardless of the appearence. Yes appearence do matters but....thats just secondary. Its the action that reminds others of you. Its the deeds you done that inspire others.
Be confident my dears, for you have a talent that yet known to others. Give yourself a pat on the head and stand infront of the world. Amaze them with what you have and shut the consequences that you assumed in your head. At least you tried rather than living it with regret till the last day of your life. For you have a dream that was hide away by wat you see in the world. Put away your doubts and take every stares as a challenge.
Enjoy the song....an amazing and inspiring song by Susan Boyle. Last but not least. . . . . . Thank you Susan Boyle for giving me hope and believe the "indefinate" once again.
Some of you may not know this angel. Before you click this clip, wat I can say is there will be a 90% of guilt and regret after the 1st 2mins of this clip. I too....watch it with doubt and sacartism for the 1st 2mins. As a seconds passed, I knew that very moment I was freaking wrong and immediately guilt came rushing into my mind and embrassed by the judgement I gave merely because of her looks. She, Susan Boyle @ 47, still fighting for her dream, still stand firm on her belief, still staying optismistic and possitive. Her 2mins vocal has not only shock the whole world, but also bring hope to every inferior complex individual. She gave us hope and send us a message that everyone is born unique and talent regardless of the appearence. Yes appearence do matters but....thats just secondary. Its the action that reminds others of you. Its the deeds you done that inspire others.
Be confident my dears, for you have a talent that yet known to others. Give yourself a pat on the head and stand infront of the world. Amaze them with what you have and shut the consequences that you assumed in your head. At least you tried rather than living it with regret till the last day of your life. For you have a dream that was hide away by wat you see in the world. Put away your doubts and take every stares as a challenge.
Enjoy the song....an amazing and inspiring song by Susan Boyle. Last but not least. . . . . . Thank you Susan Boyle for giving me hope and believe the "indefinate" once again.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
New Job
Another new chapter of my life. I started working part time for Dior. In cosmetic. Well, i started training on the 1st and 2nd April 2009, was fun!!!! The 1st day of the training is......GO SHOPPING!!! how sweet....(but i don't really like shopping though) Well the trainer want us to observe the shop attendent service towards us. So well....here we go!!!Was pretty fun, needless to say, tiring as well. The 2nd day of the training was to get to know each other and there was this ball game....lol.
Shortly after the 2 days, I was station to work the next. Beginner's luck i guess. I did quite well on the 1st 2 days bt the 3rd day.....sucks.....no crowd at all....worse still this weirdo ( a jap fatty) came in to look for a gloss, i attended to her. Intro a no of gloss till she likes then when i asked whether i should get a new piece for her, she said consider and interrupted me to intro eyeshadow to her. Shitt....confirm is wana free makeup....yet i can't say no. Of course I gave my service to her. After the applications of the eyeshadow, she asked eyeliner. After everything was nicely done on her, she sitted infront of my cute mirror to admire her piggy face. As expected, she stand up and walked away saying that she will come back shortly...ya...like real......
Shortly after the 2 days, I was station to work the next. Beginner's luck i guess. I did quite well on the 1st 2 days bt the 3rd day.....sucks.....no crowd at all....worse still this weirdo ( a jap fatty) came in to look for a gloss, i attended to her. Intro a no of gloss till she likes then when i asked whether i should get a new piece for her, she said consider and interrupted me to intro eyeshadow to her. Shitt....confirm is wana free makeup....yet i can't say no. Of course I gave my service to her. After the applications of the eyeshadow, she asked eyeliner. After everything was nicely done on her, she sitted infront of my cute mirror to admire her piggy face. As expected, she stand up and walked away saying that she will come back shortly...ya...like real......
The Effects
Its been a while since i last logged in here. guess its somewhat 2 wks? yap exactly....cause i went bk to sgh just today to report my ''experience'' with the pill
This 2 weeks...consuming of the pill. .... ..... ..... was upsetting i would say. Though i cut down my drinkings from 6 days a week to 3-4days a week but the scary part is almost everytime i went to drink, i will get drunk easily....guess is the pill, makes me weak. Another thing is, i definetly not super hyper however, become a more quiet, reserve person. Don't ask me why plus, i had stomache which feel like gastric pain...terrible feelings. Last but not least..........I had bad dreams..... The good thing is....I hardly binge. I became more rational towards choosing food, and try to convince myself that is ok for the food to stay in my body. Of course, there are times which i couldn't convince myself...but I am trying hard here yo...
As I went for my appointment to confessing the effects out to the doc, I was taken aback when a student doc was in with her. She explain that he needs to learn and asked for my permission if i allow to. Haiz.....poor him...ok la. We started chatting, I had to brief him through abit of my past and then back to the real doc confessing out my side effects. Well, the reply was its norm, as the effect depends on each individual. Doc asked whether I would like a change of the medic and i reply no. What for??? To let my body go through another sort of reaction towards a new pill for 2 weeks?? May as well stayed and observe 1st. I don't have time for a new pill to kick in the effects on me. All I can do now is waiting for the prozac effect to kick in.
*finger cross*
This 2 weeks...consuming of the pill. .... ..... ..... was upsetting i would say. Though i cut down my drinkings from 6 days a week to 3-4days a week but the scary part is almost everytime i went to drink, i will get drunk easily....guess is the pill, makes me weak. Another thing is, i definetly not super hyper however, become a more quiet, reserve person. Don't ask me why plus, i had stomache which feel like gastric pain...terrible feelings. Last but not least..........I had bad dreams..... The good thing is....I hardly binge. I became more rational towards choosing food, and try to convince myself that is ok for the food to stay in my body. Of course, there are times which i couldn't convince myself...but I am trying hard here yo...
As I went for my appointment to confessing the effects out to the doc, I was taken aback when a student doc was in with her. She explain that he needs to learn and asked for my permission if i allow to. Haiz.....poor him...ok la. We started chatting, I had to brief him through abit of my past and then back to the real doc confessing out my side effects. Well, the reply was its norm, as the effect depends on each individual. Doc asked whether I would like a change of the medic and i reply no. What for??? To let my body go through another sort of reaction towards a new pill for 2 weeks?? May as well stayed and observe 1st. I don't have time for a new pill to kick in the effects on me. All I can do now is waiting for the prozac effect to kick in.
*finger cross*
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Bucket List
The Bucket List. Starring Morgan Freeman as Carter Chambers and Jack Nicholson as Edward Cole. One of the best show in recent years!! Its a story about 2 cancer patients of different status in their lives - Edward's a millionaire who owns the hospital where Carter, a mechanic was treated over there. Their friendship blooms over there where the both of them are admitted in the same ward. Ed was smitten over Carter's intelligence and unimagineable knowledge as for Carter, was attracted to Ed's strong character. Both of them was at the last stage of cancer and decided to do something that they never did in their lives.This movie is worth buying and collected. For you never get bored over it. Especially when you are down and all are dark, it somehow or rather bring light to you to a certain extent.
Verdict?
4.5 out of 5
(YES!!!! its that good!!!)
I was amazed that things work out so fast between the 2 strangers which i realise that you don't really have to know this person for years or decade to understand what kind of character he/she posses. To understand a person, is to open your ears, listen to them, observe their facial expression, understand their anger/agony and things will just bloom from there. Its the sincerity of one should starts of with and not just by who initiate it.
1st step to road of recovery
I figured it out that i cant treat bulimia by my own and finally give in to professional treatment by going to sgh for help. This time, I am overly determine to quit it as symptons are all, mstly showing and i really sick of being too emo.
1st step to the road of recovery was this morning.
Thought that i will be stambling or mumbling when expressing myself infront of the doc bt all turn out to be nothing than just a normal conversation with a fren. The doc was quite surprise with me being upfront and as well as my frankness. We had a 2hrs conversation with me mstly talking and her listening. We ended the chapter with blood test and urine test to check any of my body function is deteriorating. She also wana to cover my liver as i m abusing alcohol and that shes afraid that they may not be as healthy as what i look. She recommended me to go to a gastrologist(another department) to check out my stomach n intestine as i had bth vomitted & passing out blood. Things sound serious. lol.....Scared?? hrm....I dn really know. Wats in my mind is to work. Get healthy. Tats all..... Thats the comfort that i m seeking for at the time being.
I felt supperly lethargic after drawing out 2 tubes of blood. Probably I had really been eating well, plus I didn't take breakfast this morning. Was almost fainting, heng tat i had will power. lol.....bt i fallen into a deep slp in the car........
Was prescrible a 3 weeks medi call FluOXETine which aids depression, bingeing, mood swings. For start the medic may cause drowinsness however it depends on individual. Hopefully it doesn't happen to me. Lol~~
Next appt will be 2 wks from now.
1st step to the road of recovery was this morning.
Thought that i will be stambling or mumbling when expressing myself infront of the doc bt all turn out to be nothing than just a normal conversation with a fren. The doc was quite surprise with me being upfront and as well as my frankness. We had a 2hrs conversation with me mstly talking and her listening. We ended the chapter with blood test and urine test to check any of my body function is deteriorating. She also wana to cover my liver as i m abusing alcohol and that shes afraid that they may not be as healthy as what i look. She recommended me to go to a gastrologist(another department) to check out my stomach n intestine as i had bth vomitted & passing out blood. Things sound serious. lol.....Scared?? hrm....I dn really know. Wats in my mind is to work. Get healthy. Tats all..... Thats the comfort that i m seeking for at the time being.
I felt supperly lethargic after drawing out 2 tubes of blood. Probably I had really been eating well, plus I didn't take breakfast this morning. Was almost fainting, heng tat i had will power. lol.....bt i fallen into a deep slp in the car........
Was prescrible a 3 weeks medi call FluOXETine which aids depression, bingeing, mood swings. For start the medic may cause drowinsness however it depends on individual. Hopefully it doesn't happen to me. Lol~~
Next appt will be 2 wks from now.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
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